can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
two words...techno handjob
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
