I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
