You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
