we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Everclear isn't food dammit
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
