i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize