Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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