Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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