My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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