life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
