I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
