I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Slut skills are useful in every country.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
