i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
