Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
