You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
