I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
