i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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