she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
