Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
