my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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