Umm I'm too high to move.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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