I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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