Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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