RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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