Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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