last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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