Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
