You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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