What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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