plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Too much gin, very little bucket
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Acid is not a monday night drug
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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