Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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