Can i not drive my cunt home
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
