I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
