I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
