You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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