trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
