she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
