Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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