Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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