I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
