I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
