I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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