Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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