when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize