Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
