You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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