I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
