Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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