Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Semen is not good for contacts.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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