I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
