things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Less talking, more tequila
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
