Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
