Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
