i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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