I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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