you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize