Your dad touched me again.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
