Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
