I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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