Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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