Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize