Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
